6.22.22 The Wrong Button

What am I feeling? Really strange. Like my body is here but my brain is asleep. Or that I'm driving through really thick fog. I can barely see a thing. I'm confused. So confused. I don't know who I am anymore? Am I these deep, dark, gripping feelings or are they just surrounding me, pulling me in. Who am I? Who was I before medication? Was I so bad that it was worth taking meds and getting like this? I'm scared. I've been burned by meds before and it's scary to try again and have a bad (or even worse reaction).

I've never considered drinking or smoking or cutting before but now I do. Now I can see why someone wants to escape the inner pain so much that they would prefer to focus on self-inflicted external pain. Or maybe they just feel so numb, so empty on the inside that they want to just feel again.

It's just so hard to differentiate between what's real and fake. Black and white. Fantasy and reality. I'm closed up in this internal shell, locked in my bedroom. Alone.

It's time. Isn't it, come on out Inner Child. It's just me. I am here, alone. And it's quiet (and I'm heavily medicated :). I got you. I love you.

I close my eyes and see a tunnel, with flames coming out the other side. As the walls of the metal tunnel get hotter, passengers come pouring out of their cars in an attempt to run for safety. People are rushing, pushing their way out, trying to save themselves. The people in my car open their doors and join the crowd that is heading to safety. They don't even look back to see that my seat belt is stuck. It's stuck. It's Stuck!! I'm trapped in the vehicle, pulling, yanking at the belt but nothing works. Then I start to panic and cry. I kick and scream and try to maneuver myself out of the seat belt. Thick black smoke, followed by raging red flames, are coming closer and closer. I take a deep breath and look down. I pressed the wrong seat belt button. All along I was panicked that I couldn't get out, that I had to break the seat belt or a window to escape but really all I had to do was focus on pressing the right button. What's my button? And which one am I supposed to press?