6.21.22 - Broken

Today I hurt. I was actually looking for a photo with broken shattered glass but apparently that is not pretty enough to put on a website J

I am in so much pain. I hurt so bad. I have this this terrifying, gripping agony that doesn't let me focus on anything else. For the first time in my life, I can actually understand why people turn to drugs, booze, hurting themselves. They would do anything to numb and distract themselves from the throbbing in their chest, from the overwhelming need to claw their way out of their skin. For the first time, I want this kind of distraction. I don't want to be numb, but I do want a distraction. I'm curious about cutting, not to seriously hurt myself - too many people need me, (trying not to freak out at how co-dependent that sounds) but to focus my mind on a different pain. On the feeling of slicing through the skin of my thumb just enough to draw blood but not enough to draw attention. Obviously, I was way too ashamed to share these feelings with my doctor, but I hinted at them. And they scare me. It scares me how bad things are to be here, thinking these thoughts. To be fantasizing about holding a knife and breaking skin with it. I fear that I am closer and closer to becoming that woman that breaks down in the grocery store.