9.1.22 Doors

I want to feel. I am also terrified to feel. I am terrified to open those doors and see what's behind them. I know I am not a monster. I know how amazing I have become in spite of everything I have been through. I know the monster inside, he has been there most of my life. It’s not him I fear. Am I scared of not being validated, or that it my memories won’t be as bad as I thought they were. Or maybe I am nervous that by opening these doors, nothing will change. I am not in pain anymore – not like I used to be. I am happy and laughing and motivated. But also terrified. Of what? Losing all this, the laughs, the good feelings. Of crashing. I am finally feeling safe and happy and I don’t want to compromise that. I almost want to keep things as they are. I am too comfortable and that scares me. Scared to stay and scared to go. There is so much work to do.

I need to face these fears, I need to open the door. I don’t want to be blamed or be the victim or be the victimizer. I don’t want to face the shame that comes through when I open the door to my past.

There is so much shame there.

I took responsibility for things that never should have been mine to begin with. I do not need to own their shame.

It’s time to open the door.