8.1.22 Clarity

It keeps coming back to me; fire, water and smoke. Will this place clear my smoke? What will remain once the ash is cleared, fire or water? Water always appeared to be bad; drowning, falling through ice. And fire, it was always good, my fight is my fire. I enjoy the burn. Has the water been putting out my fire? Or is it just generating smoke; creating a thick haze that’s impossible to see through. Is it here to protect me? To stop me from seeing the horrors behind it? One thing is clear, the smoke is hurting me. It’s burning my eyes. Sweeping ash into the air and scattering, spreading it everywhere. This black thick wall of haze is hurting me, perhaps even more than what is hidden behind it. This is the place to face my fears and see if they are as horrifying as the smoke wants me to believe. I am so scared of losing my fire by chasing away the smoke. Where there is smoke there is fire, but can the fire exist without smoke? At this point, the smoke is so thick, I have no choice but to numb myself from it. And the numbness extinguishes the fire anyways.

I want to go back to my bright, light, cheerful self. I want to go back to the fierce strength of the fire, that cares for no one’s opinion but its own. The flames that take on a life of their own. There can be much danger in an untamed fire. So what is it that terrifies me? The fire? The smoke? The water? I’m so confused. The things that were good now present a danger. The things that were always evil may not be so.

I want to be bright, strong and fierce. I want to be fire. I know smoke and fogginess is causing me pain. Perhaps it’s time to look past the smoke, into the clear waters to break my confusion. It’s time to face the water and see if it will give me clarity.

Come on out water. I know you can be scary. Tears that stream. Fierce waves. Harrowing storms. But my fire is strong enough, it is stronger than the water. The waves are coming. It would be useless to fight them, fighting will only drain my energy. No, I need to ride the waves. Embrace them. Perhaps fire and ice can co-exist. They do not need to clash with each other. The fight and brightness of the fire. The strength and clarity of the water. Maybe it’s not the water I need to face, it’s the smoke.