7.31.22 Shallow

I am trying to discern how I feel. It's not quite numb but not quite agony either. Really, it's a mixture of both. My first thought in describing my feelings was hollow. Empty on the inside but somewhat whole on the outside. But that doesn't truly describe what I am experiencing. Then came shallow. Not quite nothing, but not fully submerged. That feels more right. Like a part of me is dying but the other part of me is not letting me truly feel it. Like there's a rope holding me back from going off to the deep; off the deep end.

I'm hurting so much, missing so much, losing so much but I can't let myself fully feel it. Maybe it's the meds, maybe it's because I'm scared of embracing the full force of my pain. Either way I'm not sure if I want to get out of the pool or become a deep water swimmer. Both are terrifying. But like many things in life, I don't think I really have a choice. I'm already in the shallow. I'm stuck in it. My only option is going to the deep. I just need a life vest to keep me afloat.