7.17.22 The Bottom of the Staircase

That weird feeling between numb and acute agony.

That's what I am feeling right now. I don't know which one is worse. Pain wants me to do stupid things to distract myself but numbness, being gone, that terrifies me too.

I was told to meditate, do yoga. Do some deep breathing. The child in me wants to scream out. The monster in me is laughing. Do you really think I can focus at a time like this? Each moment drags on and I just want to be distracted. The concept of focusing is foreign. Every moment is a struggle. I want to scream and cry. There's just too much going on within me to focus on calming myself down.

And to top it off, I'm so disappointed with myself.

I thought I was past this. I had such a great week. I climbed so many stairs. And now I feel like I'm starting fresh at the bottom of the staircase. I'm scared. Can I do this again? Do I have the strength to climb all the stairs again?