Updated: Oct 15
Today was a good day and for some reason that terrifies me. I’m scared. Scared of feeling good. Scared of being fine. Well, actually, if I am being real with myself, I am terrified that tomorrow the switch will flip. That tomorrow I will go back to being manic. That I will have another episode tomorrow. That I will want to hurt myself again. I am scared to hope. I’m scared to trust that this is real. That the meds are working. Was today just a one off or will tomorrow be a great day again? I’m so scared. Why can’t I just be present, enjoy this gift of peace, Allow myself to hope. Maybe I really did flip the switch for good. Maybe tomorrow will be an even better day.
I’m also scared of going too far. Taking my good day and saying I’m totally fine; I can drive, and work, and be a mother again. Or, maybe I’m scared that others will rush me. I should want it. I should feel ready and not be dreading going back to real life. Or nervous about the pressure. The only pressure that is there is the one I am placing on myself. Honey, stop being so hard on yourself. Revel in the fact that the day went well, that you feel good, and just enjoy it. It doesn’t matter what tomorrow brings, what matters is how I feel now. Enjoying the moment. Enjoying the peace. I can deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes. I got this.