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7.1.22 Quiet Fog

Updated: Oct 15, 2022

I open my eyes today and everything feels like a fog. I'm a little lightheaded and confused. I'm having trouble remembering. My tongue feels thick and my throat is dry. It almost sounds like I'm dehydrated but I know it's a result of the numerous medications. Essentially I'm walking pharmacy - hit me up if need some meds J It's a weird feeling, being so numb it confuses you. Being so foggy, that I don't focus on my pain (that the Prozac caused). So disoriented. So scared that I won't do something stupid like pick up a knife and cut myself. I don't want to die. But the voice inside is telling me, pushing me, compelling me to cut. Right now, it's just quiet. Quiet should be nice. It should be freedom. But to me, quiet is scary and dangerous. I don't want to be in the quiet. I don't want to be alone. It's so scary. I am scared to open the door of my past, the one I shuttered up. When it's quiet the door starts to open, I don't know if I can handle what's behind it. At this point I don't know that I'm strong enough. Actually, scratch that! I'm climbing up the mountain for over 20 years, just because I took a misstep, and my feet hurt and I'm tired, doesn't mean I am giving up! The fighter is still there. This is just a pit stop. And once I'm rested and taken care of, I will be able to take control back. I will persevere!

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