6.27.22 Doors

Time to open up – don’t worry guys, I really want to work though this so I won’t leave you (or me) hanging. There are doors. Big, heavy, black doors with huge black handles that are so high, I can’t even reach them. There is smoke pouring through the openings of the doors. I jump to attempt to grasp the doorknob but even with my arm extended as I jump, I still can’t reach. I try again. And again but to no avail. At this point, I am tempted to give up, but there is a voice inside of me (the good one I think) that’s telling me to try, to face the terror head on. So I back up, scratch my shoes along the pebbled entranceway and start to run into a jump. This time I make it! I can reach the handles. I look down and see C L Y Y S S C B all lifting me up. I’m torn now, I run straight to my dark thoughts – I need help with this, why am I not strong enough capable enough to do this on my own? But then a brighter thought pops in, they aren’t there because you asked. They just showed up to be there for me. They were not trying to take away from my pride, they were just adding strength. Do I do this with K? When I help her and she doesn’t need me to help in that way? Let’s get to that another time.

My people are here. And they are here to support me so that I don’t have to face this alone.

I push the heavy knob and the door creaks open. I see light emanating through the broken glass of the window. I see a baby crib covered in cobwebs and dust. The air smells murky, musty, mildewed, But weirdly enough the room is silent. There is nothing here. Just an abandoned house. At first I considered going upstairs to see what is there but then I realize that this is it. Every other room will look just like this; empty.

I need to face the dark empty. But how?

It’s really scary. There is a fire breathing dragon crawling up my throat. Its tail slashing back and forth in my arms. M whole chest is tight, on fire. I BURN.

What’s there? What is so scary and terrifying that I blocked out.

Come on sweetie, the little version girl of myself, what’s going on? Why are you crying alone on the side of the road? You don’t have to tell me now, tell me when you are ready. But just know, you are never alone. You have me. And I love you forever.