6.2.22 Smoke on a plane

Am I going to have a breakdown in the middle of the grocery store? Is that going to be me? I’m losing it.

Am I? I’m scared that I am. I’m scared of not having it. What the hell is "IT"?

I feel really alone. I just let you in. To the most dark and vulnerable part of me. And all you said was what are you going to do about it. Seriously. I’m dying on the inside. I just need empathy. I need support. Encouraging. Not problem solving. I really think my medicine is making me worse. More anxious. Darker. Maybe even depressed. I’ve never felt depressed before and now I am filled with darkness. I was always filled with fire. Fire burns. It’s hot and painful but it’s also strong, powerful and bright. It’s dangerously beautiful. It sometimes burns but it’s mostly good, it is light and it gives others light.

No, it’s not so much fire but darkness. Like smoke. Is the darkness taking over the fire, putting it out? Smoke is not quite black. It’s grey. I hate the gray area. I like black and white. But am I willing to go to the black to the dark side just so I can be comfortable? I am so scared of losing the light that I am almost just walking over to the black. This way I can control it. Because I am making the decision to be black as opposed to whatever it is - maybe the monster - taking away the fire? But ultimately, whether stolen or by choice, whether I am in control or not, doing this is a fallen fear. A self-fulfilling prophecy. Either way, I go to the darkness. Either way I lose. And I don’t lose. I don’t want to lose my fire.

K just made me mad. Mad is good. Mad is fire. Maybe it is the part that burns, but fire nonetheless. Fear, anxiety, OCD, those are black. Maybe it’s the smoke. Maybe it’s a component of having fire - "where there is smoke, there is fire". They go hand in hand. If I want one, I need to have both. But there has to be a way to contain the smoke. To protect people from the pain of the fire and still allow them to enjoy its heat. To embrace its light. What makes smoke? Wetness. Water puts out the fire altogether. Wetness creates the putrid smoke. The smoke that chokes you. That burns your eyes. That prevents you from seeing clearly. What is my smoke? Better yet, the scarier question, what is my water. What is my absolute darkness? Does it even exist or is it just in my head. The possibility of darkness.