6.2.22 Darkness on a Plane

I am burning on the inside. It’s like I can’t breathe. There is this absolute tightness in my chest. Like I’m choking. Gasping. Grabbing for something that is beyond my reach. I’m trapped. I want to cry. To scream. To yank my hair. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel so helpless so lost. So much pain.

So I am going to write it out and see if I feel any better. Or at least understand this pain better. What’s going on honey, why are you hurting? What are you afraid of? Is that what it is? Fear- no I don’t think so. It’s choking sharp pain. Like my heart is being squeezed in a tight grip. It’s not only painful, it is making me really sad. Why are you sad? Why can’t you breathe? What is hurting you so much? I can’t. I can’t get there. It’s too much. But I can talk about the pain. About what I am feeling right now. I really want to get it all out. My fingers are cramping. I think I am just distracting myself from the crushing burning inside of me.

What’s going on? It’s in my chest. On the left side in the front. It’s fire. Lava. Hot. So, so hot. Burning. Ha that’s funny maybe it’s heartburn. We both know it’s not. Knife in my heart. Twisting. It’s like they are turning the knife that’s already there. I was already in so much pain and now they just threw salt on the wound. But who… it’s not just one person. It’s the compilation of it all.

H. I failed her. She went through so much and I failed her. Why didn’t I ever stand up for her? I’m like her sibling damn it... why didn’t I ever protect her. Why did I let her take the blame? Not the blame but the abuse. I failed her. It was a relief to not be yelled at. To be the good one. To not walk on eggshells. To be safe. Or at least in the safe zone. I just left her there and saved myself. I’m why she is what she is today. I also yelled and screamed and let out my Monster on her. I’m no better than her. She needed me. And not only didn’t I stand up for her, not only did I abandon her but I also abused her. Hurt her. Let her take the blame. Didn’t support her. Let her take it. It’s all my fault.

I have a disease. The same one that N and Z have. Am I in denial, or did I already know that their monster lies within me? Lies within the way I am with my kids. With P. With myself. I’m so scared. The more real the condition is, the more terrified I am of myself. H said she doesn’t know who she is. What she is. Her whole life was based off of making the peace. Trying to earn approval. Mine was fighting my Demons.

Who am I? What will I become when I don’t have the demons? It’s terrifying. Is it even more terrifying than living with monsters? Living my whole life, every second of every day in pain? Fighting. Aren’t you exhausted? I’m so tired. I just want to take a break from it all. Take a quick vacation or even a nap before I have to fight again. There is so much blood. So much black. I feel like I am losing strength, losing the fighter inside of me. Wait. Do I think the monster is the fighter, am I confusing him? He’s the one who I am fighting against. Right?

But then again, he’s also making me fight. He’s a good opponent. He fights hard. Really hard. He really knows how to get to me, this monster. Knows just what to say to get under my skin.

I can’t handle this. Can I never escape it? There’s a dark fierce battle deep inside of me. It’s taking me over, it almost feels like I should just give up and give in. I’m not me anymore so what’s the point. I’m not me during this battle. I’m not me if I lose. The only way to find me is to win. To gain the upper hand. I am so scared. I don’t think I am ok. How did it get this bad? I need help.