Updated: Oct 15
I feel a lot better. I’m not in pain anymore. I’m still uncomfortable, but not burning anymore. It’s interesting. Words, what they do for me. Maybe this is why words mean so much to me. They are so powerful to me. Look how getting these words down and out made me feel so much better. I wonder if this can be a mechanism to help me deal with my OCD. Writing it down. It almost frees me of the thoughts. It’s like emptying the trash. Or opening the window. When I write them down the smoke clears. I believe that speaking about my inner turmoil will also clear the smoke. But I’ve always been terrified of speaking the words. What reaction would I face? Will the person understand me or think I am crazy? Listen or get angry? Yell at me? Use it against me? Speaking the words is so scary. It’s easier to just write them down and get it out.
It’s funny, I always refer to K as my phoenix. Rising from the ashes. The fire gets put out but it still rises, ever greater than was before. What happens when my fire goes out? If I stop fighting it, will there be darkness like I am afraid of? Or will a phoenix emerge, a purer, greater version of myself? Now I’m thinking what if it’s not a phoenix but the scary dragon that’s inside of me. I want a phoenix. How do I get it? Do I face the dragon, give in to it? Well it’s too late. The dragon is already here. It already exists. It can’t get much worse. I’m so scared of the monster/dragon taking over but guess what, it’s here. My fire breathing dragon. That’s it, isn’t it? It’s scary to give up my dragon because I believe that it’s what gives me my fire. My drive. My abilities. That’s probably what it wants me to believe. That I can’t live without it. My narcissistic fire breathing dragon. Crazy huh, that I am codependent to my inner dragon. I can hear my therapist saying I’m being negative and K saying that I’m being hard on myself. What happens when you break down the dragon? The last time you faced the dragon, it was a little girl version of yourself crying at the side of the road. Felling overwhelmed with responsibility and under-loved and unappreciated. She’s not a scary dragon. But is this monster the dragon, or is it a new monster? I think it’s different. And I’m scared because all the research says I can’t slay the monster, I have to learn to live with it. To accept it and make space for it. To learn to live with the discomfort. And then, maybe one day the monster and dragon will not be so uncomfortable and so scary. I’m sad. That I’m never going to turn into the phoenix. Into the dragon slaying warrior. Another dream dies. RIP. Why did I go back here, to this sad place? This despair. Maybe I don’t need to be the phoenix. That’s not me. Fire is a part of me. I am a freaking awesome fire breathing dragon. Now I just need the skills to blow fire without it burning. To not contain it. That sounds bad. But I am unsure how to reframe it. I need to think it through. . Smoke will be there but maybe I need to make less of it. Or maybe I can do a mask and goggles.