5.4.22 - Warrior

So here I am, I guess I am finally back to writing, I am hoping that now I will have the energy to deal with this. To face myself. If I am being honest, I think that I was scared to do this, scared to write, to take a deeper look. But in lieu of recent habits, I think it’s time to look inside and see if it’s really as scary as I think it is. I’m terrified, of this being so fragile and that a single crack will shatter me, shatter everything I have been working so hard to achieve. I’m so scared of hurting, of being in pain, of being alone. Here we are again, I am so scared of being alone. Not just physically, but also emotionally alone. Maybe that’s why I don’t like being alone, because I already feel so alone. My friends, family, even my parents and siblings. I don’t feel seen, I don’t feel like people understand me. Like they can't see how hard I am working, how hard I am trying, fighting, screaming, crying. They just don’t see it, and it hurts, it’s so lonely being alone. Being misunderstood. Being judged. Apparently I look angry, it’s not anger - I don’t think I have the energy to be angry, except at my kids, and myself. So angry at myself, disappointed, so hard on myself. It’s never enough, never good enough. Maybe I feel lonely because I don’t understand myself, because I am being like those people who I feel like I lost – not understanding me, not understanding what I am dealing with and going through, not being gentle and delicate on myself. Not taking it easy. Not being proud of everything I have accomplished. How can I expect them to see things if I don’t even see them myself. I freaking move mountains, I faced my fear again and again and again. I went against my nature, out of my comfort zone and then I pushed some more, I don’t give up. I have nothing left and still I push and push and don’t give up. I am a freaking warrior. I am still standing. No matter what the voices in my head are saying, no matter what the circumstanced in my life are, not matter what I lived through, pain, loss, dying dreams, heartbreak – I am still standing. I am still here, I am still fighting. Plagued with anxiety, monsters and demons, I am still here – I did not succumb. Here I am. Trying, fighting, striving for more. I am a fighter. And its ok if sometimes I feel like I lose the battle, it doesn’t mean that I am lesser. Even if I lose the war, I am still good, still worth it, still amazing. Loss doesn’t mean the end, it doesn’t define me, what defines me is what I choose to do with my loss. With my pain. My pain doesn’t define me, my anxiety doesn’t define me. I choose how to define myself. I choose to rule over my monsters, anxiety, pain, anger. I am in charge. But I am also in charge on myself, my headspace. It is my responsibility to take care of myself, to worry about myself, I am in charge of my own happiness. I need to remember that I am my own priority and I need to take care of myself and my needs and my kids and not feel bad about it, it ok- no its needed for me to have needs and for me to meet those needs. No one else holds that responsibility, and frankly, no one else is going to fill them for me. If I want or need something, I need to communicate that and be assertive about that. I shouldn’t be scared to say that something is too much for me or be scared that I can’t handle something. It’s ok.

I think my therapist might have been onto something but I don’t think I was ready to admit that to myself, it sounds so pathetic, I lie because I don’t want to acknowledge my needs? Really? It’s almost embarrassing. Why is it so hard for me? What am I so scared of? Of rejection. Of getting hurt. Or maybe even hurting others, was I conditioned to believe that being assertive will hurt others? Or that it is selfish? Am I so scared of disappointing others? Or do I think that I am so fragile that I can’t take a no? Wow – I am being really hard on myself. Sorry. So what is it? Maybe I am scared of not being understood, or maybe not validated. Or maybe I am just not secure enough about that fact that I have needs and that I am allowed to have needs – that it’s not only ok but that its essential – part of being a human – a healthy independent one at that. Maybe she also had a point that I don’t feel like I can rest, or do, or be, or give myself until everything is perfect, it actually makes a lot of sense. But how do I get past that, How do I give myself without perfection. Because things will never be perfect. I need to let go of perfect – maybe have an imperfect day. IDK. But I am aware and that’s the first step. I am just overwhelmed by everything that I need to do, to work on. But maybe that is my perfection talking too.