4.1.22 Abyss

I love you. Deeply and dearly.

I want to stay with you, stay by you, but it feels like you keep pulling back more and more.

I can't keep giving to a wall; giving and getting nothing in return. Giving and feeling taken advantage of. Giving and feeling taken for granted. Giving and getting hurt. So hurt. I can't even begin to describe the pain I am in. The pain of the uncertainty. The pain of constantly questioning myself and this. The pain of loving someone and not having them love you back. The pain of feeling so alone in a relationship.

I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep dragging myself into this agonizing abyss waiting for a change. I can't keep trying to guess what you’re thinking and how you're doing. I can't keep worrying about you and you not even bothering to give me reassurance when things are going well. I can't keep waiting for you to finally be there for me and to put me first. I can't keep trying to understand what's going on because you haven't been communicating. I can't keep being there for the bad, only for you to discard me when things are going good. I can't keep feeling this pain.

And the crazy part is, you know exactly how I feel - because someone has treated you this way before. If you care about me at all, why are you inflicting on me the same torture you went through?

I want you, I want this. I deeply want a relationship with you. But not this relationship. Not like this.

I love you. But I need to love myself more. I need to put myself first.