2.1.23 Hole

I have no desire to journal. The deep lengths that I have gone to delay writing out my thoughts just serve to prove how badly I need to journal.

I don’t know if it’s laziness or a form of procrastination. Possibly - no, probably - it is because I am scared to face what Is happening inside me; I have not faced that storm of emotions in so long. I have spent the last few weeks in survival mode; pushing, working, trying, sweating, dreaming, fighting, and screaming. I did not give myself any time to process. And now, I am working so hard to keep that door shut that I know it is time to open the door and walk within its frame to face what is behind it.

There is so much, I do not even know where to start. So much that I am scared to start. Should I start with the vulnerabilities?

That each effort I take creates a deep-rooted fear because every time I try to make something better, there is always a chance that I will fail. Sometimes, it just seems easier to do nothing, to let things be as they are because when I do nothing, I can still allow myself to hope that things will be for the better. but once I actually take action, the answers will be definitive, and I am scared to lose that hope. I’m scared of the negative reality. I’m terrified of the horrors that may not go away. That I will more than likely have to deal with for the rest of my life. And right now, it’s easier to close my eyes, shut the door, and pretend they don’t exist.

At least I thought it was easier. Truth be told, the door is going to open one way or another. I’m not consciously opening that door, the terror behind it is slowly seeping into my subconscious. I wake up nightly dripping with sweat, shaking visibly. I am haunted by what’s beyond. And as much as I would like to pretend that keeping the door closed will keep out the Monsters, it’s still allowing the demons to drift through.

These demons are so big, bad, and scary, that sleep is impossible. Sleep doesn’t feel safe. Safe doesn’t feel safe anymore. This in itself should push me to take action and do more but instead, it paralyzes me. It freezes me on the spot and makes me want to crawl underneath a hole and never ever come out.

But the hole is not a solution. All the demons can still follow me there, and all the people I need cannot reach me there. Cannot support me there.

It is not fair.

I do not want to have to be brave. I do not want to constantly fight, push, be strong, and face fear again and again and again.