11.16.22 Easy

I'm freaking out. Totally derailed. I'm so nervous, anxious. My whole body is tight. There's a burning behind my eyes, so sharp that tears are threatening. Why? I don't get it. What changed? I'm trying. I'm doing everything I should be doing; working the program, implementing the skills. Going to sleep early. Taking my meds. Taking it easy. Working out. Spending time with friends. But no matter what I do, I'm stuck. It's like every thing I try to do fails. Everything I touch turns to dust. All my efforts wither away each time I try to reach for more. Each time I try to stretch further.

As I'm writing this, it occurs to me that maybe I should stop trying. Stop working so hard to take it 'easy'. Stop trying to fix and stretch and grow and solve and figure out. Maybe it's time to just be.