10.12.22 Reality

I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel like I am right back where I started. Crying, all alone on the couch. Considering stupid things. Popping pills to make it stop. Make me numb. I worked so hard to feel again, and now that I feel, I want to be numb. More meds prescribed. More pills popped. And the cycle continues. And with every pill I take, with every new medication added, I feel more and more crazy. Like this isn't just a bad dream I'm going to wake up from, but a never ending real-life nightmare. One that I'm very much awake for. It's not just a phase that I'm going to snap out of. It's not just a distant memory that I'm going to smile back on in a year from now. It's real. This is my new reality.