1.2.23 If Only

Reality. I'm scared to face it. Scared that by accepting it, my world will come crashing in. No, it's easier to focus on how this agonizing reality affects those I love than to face what it means to me. It's easier to be there for my loved ones, to stand up for them, advocate, push and fight. They are worth it. They deserve it. This is all happening because of me. It's all my fault. I can't sympathize with myself because I feel like I brought this upon us. I can't allow myself to mourn, to feel the pain. I can’t make this about me. Not when it caused them so much upheaval. If only I pushed myself to act more swiftly, to speak up, to face my demons sooner; maybe these tragic events could have been prevented. If only I had accepted how grave the situation was, maybe this wouldn't have been such a shock, such a blow. If only I was stronger. Braver. More assertive. Maybe this whole painful saga could have been avoided. If only.